The goat and the fortune teller
Capricorn
The new priest is nervous
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like......... "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than Slapping your knee and saying, "No shit .... what happened next??"
Goat story by Dr. Clarke
Goats have been taught to perform a great many wonderful exploits. The celebrated traveler, Dr. Clarke, gives a very curious account of a goat which he came across in Arabia. This goat would perform some most surprising feats of dexterity.
"We met," he says, "an Arab with a goat, which he led about the country to exhibit, in order to gain a livelihood. He had taught this animal, while he accompanied its movements with a song, to mount upon little cylindrical blocks of wood, placed successively one above another, and resembling in shape the dice belonging to a backgammon table.
In this manner the goat stood, first on the top of two; afterward of three, four, five, and six, until it remained balanced upon the summit of them all, elevated several feet above the ground, and with its fore feet collected upon a single point, without throwing down the disjointed fabric on which it stood. The diameter of the upper cylinder, on which its four feet alternately remained until the Arab had ended his ditty, was only two inches, and the length of each was six inches.
The most curious part of the performance took place afterward; for the Arab, to convince us of the animal's attention to the turn of the air, sometimes interrupted the ordinary da capo, or repeat, and as often as he did so, the goat tottered, and appeared uneasy. When the man suddenly stopped, in the middle of his song, the animal fell to the ground."
Aesop's The vine and the goat
Maintenance of goats
David trimming the hooves of the herd with his boss, Katy, standing by.
Arney is much more laid back about his 6 week trimming.
Some interesting facts about goats:
* Worldwide, goats provide people with more meat and milk than any other domestic animal.
* Goat meat is called Chevon or Cabrito and is a red meat that is lower in cholesterol and fat than beef, pork, lamb or chicken.
* Goat milk is more easily digested than cow’s milk.
* A goat’s tail turns up while a sheep’s tail turns down.
* Male goats are called “bucks” or “billies” and female goats are called “does” or nannies”.
* Goats are pregnant for five months and normally have two kids at a time.
* Goats can grow to be 8–12 years old.
* Goats are known as “browsers” (eating twigs, leaves and bark) but they also do well grazing grass.
* Goats weigh 5-10 pounds at birth and grow to 75-200 pounds when mature.
* 5-7 Goats can live on the amount of feed it takes to feed one cow.
* There are about one billion goats worldwide!
* The domestic goat is in the family Bovidae, genus Capra, and is of the species Hircus.
The Farmer's Prize Goat
A man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow.
As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound.
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound.
As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole.
He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up.
The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?"
The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends.
Say, have you seen my prize goat?" The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No."
The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
A policeman in the big city
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the goat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses.
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
Lance likes goats .....
No Toys for Lance, He Likes Goats-R-Us
Seriously. Okay, well, I can’t confirm this is the company he used, but I hear that Goats-R-Us is the biggest goat rental company in California. I feel like I’m writing some spoof right now, this is nuts. Nuts, and well, maybe a great idea?
I missed the bit in their EMA coverage where they talked with Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl. “Instead of having the brush cleared away at our house with lawnmowers,” said Reichen, “there’s rental goats. They tie them in your yard and they eat all the brush on the hill to stop the forest fires. When the goats are full and the brush is gone, the goats are taken away.”
Curious about how much something like that would run you? Goats-R-Us recommends estimating about $700/acre.Wait, there’s more.
Lance apparently posted something about the wonders of goats on his MySpace, which I can’t see right now because I’m not his friend, can’t remember my password to ask to be his friend, and otherwise am feeling a little lazy at the moment. TMZ then picked it up and now it’s international gossip.
Lance Bass has taken cheap labor to a new level by having a small herd of goats clear brush from his yard. But it wasn't cost that led him to fill his yard with goats for almost a week.
According to Lance's MySpace blog, "Great Grazing" is "an enviromentally safe way of clearing out brush" to prevent fires. Lance got a kick out of watching the goats graze on his land. Some people spend Thanksgiving with a turkey, Lance spent his with 14 goats! "Those suckers can eat!" wrote Lance.
Old Peter
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Peter said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Peter's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite goat, Bessie".
Peter thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite goat, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad, moaning and groaning, I was, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, too. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. About then a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
I said,"I am fine!" Judge, what would you have said?
Goats in the Good Book
In the Bible Goats are mentioned many times the following is a collection of Bible verses I have found.
Proverbs 27:23-27
23. Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; 24. for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations. 25. When the hay is removed and new growth appears and the grass from the hills is gathered in, 26. the lambs will provide you with clothing, and the goats with the price of a field. 27. You will have plenty of goats' milk to feed you and your family and to nourish your servant girls.
Job 39
1. "Do you know when the mountain goats give birth? Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn? 2. Do you count the months till they bear? Do you know the time they give birth? 3. They crouch down and bring forth their young; their labor pains are ended. 4. Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds; they leave and do not return.
Isaiah 34:14-17
14. Desert creatures will meet with hyenas, and wild goats will bleat to each other; there the night creatures will also repose and find for themselves places of rest. 15. The owl will nest there and lay eggs, she will hatch them, and care for her young under the shadow of her wings; there also the falcons will gather, each with its mate. 16. Look in the scroll of the LORD and read: None of these will be missing, not one will lack her mate. For it is his mouth that has given the order, and his Spirit will gather them together. 17. He allots their portions; his hand distributes them by measure. They will possess it forever and dwell there from generation to generation.
Ezra 6:17
17. For the dedication of this house of God they offered a hundred bulls, two hundred rams, four hundred male lambs and, as a sin offering for all Israel, twelve male goats, one for each of the tribes of Israel.
2Chronicales 29:23-24
23. The goats for the sin offering were brought before the king and the assembly, and they laid their hands on them. 24. The priests then slaughtered the goats and presented their blood on the altar for a sin offering to atone for all Israel, because the king had ordered the burnt offering and the sin offering for all Israel.
Genesis 27:9
Go now to the flock and bring me from there two choice kids of the goats, and I will make savory food from them for your father, such as he loves."....
Designs on T-Shirts and Gifts can be found at: http://www.cafepress.com/buy/goat/bible
On Your Marks, Get Set ... Goat!
February, Eldorado
The town of Eldorado (pronounced el-doh-RAY-doh), about 40 miles south of San Angelo, will hold this weekend the first of what may be the most stubborn race in history.
Modeled loosely after the legendary Alaskan Iditarod, the Elgoatarod will replace dogs with goats, snow with a courthouse lawn, and sleds with just about anything that can be pulled by goats over lawn.
The race, which is the brainchild of local entrepreneur Jim Runge (pronounced RUNG-ee), is the latest in what appear to be a series of far-out competitions that may make Eldorado the state model of shamelessness. In fact, time trials for the Elgoatarod were held in October during the Armchair Decathlon, a contest of not much at all.
For more interesting events in Texas, check out http://www.texastwisted.com/
In addition to the race, the weekend-long event will feature a goat-milking contest, a best-dressed-goat contest, a goat/owner-look-alike contest, goat kissing, stupid goat tricks and more. Further events will include goat-pill flipping, much like cow-patty tossing, but involving the flicking of pellet-like goat manure with the thumb.
Aged pastor joke
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, Might aswell have the old goat for dinner today as any other day."
British Army Demotes Mascot Goat, Billy
Undated photo released by the Ministry of Defence of a British army regiment's ceremonial pet goat which was demoted in disgrace after it marched out of line before a host of international dignitaries during a parade to mark Queen's Elizabeth II's birthday, a military spokesman said Saturday June 24 2006. The military mascot, a 6-year-old male goat called Billy, pictured with handler Lance Corporal Dai Davies, was downgraded from the rank of lance corporal to fusilier — the same status as a private — after army chiefs ruled his poor display had ruined the ceremony on June 16 at a British army base in Episkopi, western Cyprus. The regiment, the 1st Battalion, The Royal Welsh, has traveled with a pet goat since soldiers adopted one of the animals during the Crimean War. Released by the Ministry of Defence of a British army regiment's ceremonial pet goat which was demoted in disgrace after it marched out of line before a host of international dignitaries during a parade to mark Queen's Elizabeth II's birthday, a military spokesman said Saturday June 24 2006. The military mascot, a 6-year-old male goat called Billy, pictured with handler Lance Corporal Dai Davies, was downgraded from the rank of lance corporal to fusilier — the same status as a private — after army chiefs ruled his poor display had ruined the ceremony on June 16 at a British army base in Episkopi, western Cyprus. The regiment, the 1st Battalion, The Royal Welsh, has traveled with a pet goat since soldiers adopted one of the animals during the Crimean War.
I’d like to talk for a minute to the goats out there.
Yet, despite the indignites you have endured, you could always hold your head high. You could be proud knowing that your kind has a tradition of exemplary service in militaries throughout the world.
A British army regiment’s ceremonial pet goat was demoted in disgrace after it marched out of line before a host of dignitaries during a parade to mark Queen Elizabeth II’s birthday...
How are we suppose to restore the good name of goats when things like this happen? And now poor Billy must live with his disgrace:
Billy, be a hero. You have a tall mountain to climb, kid, but you can do it.
A mountain goat ....
A mountain goat attempts to scale a cliff sixty feet high. Every minute, the goat bounds upward three feet but slips back two. How long does it take for the goat to reach the top?
Fifty eight minutes. Although his net progress each minute is one foot, he reaches the top on the fifty-eighth minute just before he would normally slip back two feet.
Farmers problem - Logic problem for the smarty pants
A farmer is standing on one side of the river and with him are a wolf, a goat and a box with cabbages. In the river there is a small boat.
The farmer wants to cross the river with all the three items who are with him. There are no bridges and in the boat there is only room for the farmer and one item.
But if he leaves the goat with the cabbages alone on one side of the river the goat will eat the cabbages. If he leaves the wolf and the goat on one side the wolf will eat the goat.
Only the farmer can seperate the wolf from the goat and the goat from the cabbage.
How can the farmer cross the river with all three items, without one eating the other ?
SOLUTION: First the farmer takes the goat across the river. He goes back to pick up the wolf. When he is across he leaves the wolf and takes back the goat. Back on the other side he leaves the goat and takes the cabbages with him. Then he picks up the goat and all three items are on the other side.
The Gobbling Goat Math puzzle
The Gobbling Goat
To work out the answer you might end up with an equation you can't solve: but it's fine to use a calculator to give you an approximate solution if you like.
A grassy field is in the shape of a circle of radius 100m and is enclosed by a circular fence.
A goat is attached by a rope to a hook, at a fixed point on the fence.
To stop the goat getting too fat, the farmer wants to make sure that it can only reach half of the grass in the field.
How long should the rope be?
DRIVING IN DALLAS
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Collin County and your Mapsco is one day old, then it is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules..."Hold on and pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "Get on Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end. (IT REALLY DOESN'T!!!)
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is either a factory defect or an "outsider."
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators, and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.
All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period. And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.
Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road... all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman.
If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed. (And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.)
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Ro ad is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental!!
It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.
The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.
LBJ Freeway is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour and it is springtime, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.
If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is springtime, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. If it is autumn, then the State Fair is in full swing.
If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2,500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag
tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.
Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
Final Warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers. Remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas
Goats do Roam & Goat Door
My neighbor gave me a bottle for Christmas.
There was this farmer walking to his mailbox one day
There was this farmer walking to his mailbox one day, and he noticed a white hearse coming up the road, and behind the hearse was a man walking with a brown goat, and behind them followed about 20 people.
The next day, the farmer was going after his mail again, and he looked up and saw the same hearse, the same man, the same goat, and about 75 people walking behind the hearse.
The farmer's curiosity got the best of him. So he walked up to the man with the goat and asked, "I saw you yesterday about the same time as today, do you mind telling me what's happening?"
The man behind the hearse explained that his wife died, and the farmer said "Oh I'm so sorry! What happened?"
The man with the goat replied that the goat had killed her.
The farmer said, "If you buried your wife yesterday, who's in the hearse today?
The man with the goat replied, "My mother-in-law."
The farmer thought a minute and asked the man with the goat, "Can I borrow your goat?"
and he replied, "You'll have to get in line with the rest of these people."
National Pygmy Goat Association
The Pygmy Goat is genetically small, cobby and compact. It is full-barreled and well-muscled, the body circumference in relation to height and weight is proportionately greater than that of other breeds. Mature animals measure between 16 and 23 inches at the withers (shoulder blades to ground). Head and legs are short relative to body length. Genetic hornlessness is considered a disqualifying fault. However, disbudded (dehorned) or horned goats are acceptable. Preferred colors range from white through black with gray agouti being predominant. Muzzle, forehead, eyes and ears are accented in lighter tones. Front and rear hoofs and cannons (socks) are black, as are the crown and dorsal stripe. Random markings are acceptable in limited amounts and characteristics locations. Coat length and density vary with climates, making the Pygmy Goat equally at home in the desert or in the northern tundra.
Coat - The full coat of straight, medium-long hair which varies in density with seasons and climates. On females, beards may be non-existent., sparse, or trimmed. On adult males, abundant hair growth is desirable; the beard to be full, long and flowing, the copious mane draping cape-like across the shoulders.Color - All body colors are acceptable, the predominant coloration is a grizzled (agouti) pattern produced by the intermingling of light and dark hairs, of any color. Source: NPGA's PYGMY GOAT BASIC OWNERS MANUAL
Parts of a goat
Poll (top of head where horns may or may not be located - 2), eyes, ears, forehead (1), bridge of nose (1), muzzle (which includes mouth, nostril and chin) and jaw (1) NECK, THROAT (the underside of the neck)
PARTS OF THE LEGS:
Moving up from the bottom: Hooves (made up of the toe, heel and sole - 4), dewclaws (those funny things above the hooves in the back of all four legs - 4), pastern (4), cannon bone (4), knee (front legs - 2), hocks (rear legs - 2)
Attachment of Rear Legs to Body:
Thighs (2), stifle (2), flank (2)
Attachment of Front Legs to Body:
Upper leg (2), Point of elbow (2), chest floor (area between front legs as viewed from the front - 1), point of shoulder (2), shoulder blade (2)
PARTS OF THE BODY:
Starting from the neck into the top of the animal: withers (1), chine (1), loin (1), hips (2), rump (1) and tail (1). The first five parts make up the animal's topline.
Sides of the body: crops (below the withers - 2), ribs, thurl (2) Front: brisket (1) Circumference measurements: heart girth (around the body behind the front legs) and barrel (around the widest part of the ribs) Underside: navel, milk vein (does only)
EXTERNAL REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS:
Does: vulva, Bucks: scrotum and penis
Na-a-a-a-a-a-a-
A modernized joke - feel free to substitute Avon for Arbonne or Mary Kay.
A door-to-door AVON sales woman has had a really rough day and decided to try one more house before heading home.
She knocks on the door, determined to make a sale.
A small boy opens the door, and the sales woman starts in with her sales pitch.
The boy stood there speechless, and the salesman, seeing that she wasn't getting anywhere, asked the boy where is your Stay-at-home Dad?
The boy didn't say a word and just pointed upstairs.
The sales woman goes up the stairs, opens the bedroom door and finds the boy's Dad in bed with a goat!!
Completely flabbergasted, the sales woman slams the door shut and flies down the stairs. She grabs the little boy by the shoulders and yells, "Do you know what's in bed with your Dad? Do you know what they're doing? Doesn't this bother you?"
To which the little boy responded, "Na-a-a-a-a-a-a."
(Note: you must speak the boy's response like a goat)
Goat jokes
What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean.
What do you call a spastic goat? Billy the kid.
What do you call a goat that lip syncs? Billy-Vanilli
Who is the oldest goat in the world??? Grandpa...
Who was the first American LaMancha Goat? Vincent Van Goat
What do you call a goat's beard? a goatee
Why can't goats eat round bales of hay? Cause they are use to 3 square meals a day..........
In Budapest, a man goes to the rabbi and complains
In Budapest, a man goes to the rabbi and complains, "Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?"The rabbi answers, "Take your goat into the room with you." The man in incredulous, but the rabbi insists. "Do as I say and come back in a week."
A week later the man comes back looking more distraught than before. "We cannot stand it," he tells the rabbi. "The goat is filthy." The rabbi then tells him, "Go home and let the goat out. And come back in a week."
A radiant man returns to the rabbi a week later, exclaiming, "Life is beautiful. We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat -- only the nine of us."
Andy Oliver
GOATS GONE GQ!!
The goats are sporting new turtleneck scarves handmade by Gwen, the stitch witch.
Arney's in in a beautiful holiday red that brings out his native Nigerian Dwarf hues.
It covers his neck so that he will stay warm this winter. Isn't it beautiful?
While Momo is sporting a multicolor blend that highlights his African Pygmy coloring.
Both items were made exclusively for the Meyer Herd by Gwen, the stitch witch.